I had to ask myself this question, “Are you truly ready to transform?” It seems that in order for me to truly feel safe and welcome in the world, I have to topple the authority of my ego. This does not mean that I have to eliminate my ego altogether. That would be impossible. But it does mean that I have to step into my strength as the leader who mediates between my egoic, earthly self and my Divine Higher Self.
At this last Full Moon in Cancer, I felt fed-up with myself because in my mind I was ready to transform. But I found myself confronting a very deep Shadow. I had been hearing Spirit’s call to make transformation at the deepest level of my being. I was being invited to step into oneness with the Divine. But what I noticed was that a large part of my being was rebelling against the shift in consciousness that was required.
I could feel myself hunkering down in resistance. Seriously! It was like there was a fight going on inside me and my egoic self and all the defenses it had set up for itself were being activated in preparation for an attack. I was ready to transform into my Divine Badass Butterfly, but my ego perceived my union with the Divine as a threat– an attack on its stability and its way of life. In my readings over the last three months, I’ve been pulling The Tower card and the Death card and the reversed Judgment card consistently. Spirit was saying, “Hey, it’s time for your old self to die. You’ve gotta lop off your old mind, your old way of thinking… But you keep refusing to do it.”
I sat with that resistance for several weeks because I had felt it before. The resistance was familiar and I was tired of having it creep into my life. I felt strongly inside myself that I shouldn’t just push past the resistance because in order to truly dive into this transformation that Spirit was offering me, I would need to fully surrender. This means that I could no longer lie to myself or hide from the truth of my Divinity. I could not pretend to be merely human any longer. I would need to own my power and wield it responsibly, yes, of course. But I would need to embody the Divine in every moment. Every breath I took would need to be embraced from the Truth of who I AM. UGH! But am I truly ready for this? Am I truly ready to transform?
As I write this, I recognize exactly why my ego would be like, “Oh hell no!” In my ego’s mind, transformation means that he would be toppled from his throne. There would be no more living in my head– no more trying to “figure things out,” no more doing things that were harmful to my body, no more blaming my mother for who she was, no more illegitimate and impoverished choices, no more acting from shame, no more intolerance of others, no more choices made from fear, no more unforgivingness, no more giving into my inner critic, no more believing that I am somehow limited or lacking, no more believing that I am powerless and no more shunning the responsibility I have toward my emotional needs and my heart’s greatest desires.
Wow. These are all the jailers in my Jailbreak Your Heart & Howl at the Moon healing and transformation program. Spirit is confirming with me that this program, exactly as I have created it, is exactly what I need to transform my mindset and to give birth to my Divine Self, my Badass Butterfly. OMG! I am so ready to transform! 2020 is going to be a big year for me because of the deep healing I am doing with this program. It promises to be a big year for my vocation, as well. Yes, that’s exciting! But most importantly, it will be a great year of transformation.
Man, you would think that my ego would be all on board with the changes that I am being called to make! I mean, look at the rewards that will come: new relationships, friendships and lovers, deeper connection to my family, a deeper feeling of closeness and intimacy, more success in my work, more financial rewards, more travel, an upgrade in my home, better health and bigger adventures. There was a time when my egoic self ate all that up and really enjoyed it. But that’s the thing with ego, it’s always got a hidden agenda. And that’s the problem with ME– I have spent too many years living from my ego. I confused the joy I felt when traveling and romancing with my egoic self, when really in those moments I was out of my head and following my heart. Ego was taking the credit for the Spirit that was working through me. It’s true! When I decided to give away all my stuff and move to Spain, that was me saying yes to the FEELING in my heart. That was not me acting out of egoic motivation.
And this is what Spirit has been calling me to do these last few months. It has said, “Hey, girl! Don’t you FEEL tired of dieting? Don’t you FEEL like you want to let Spirit guide your eating? And don’t you FEEL tired of doing yoga because it’s the right thing to do? Don’t you FEEL like you want to tune in and do what actually inspires you?”
As I have been sitting in meditation these last few mornings, I have been getting more and more clear about what Spirit is telling me. Since the summer, I have been thinking my way through life instead of feeling it. I have been disconnected from my intuitive feeling nature and way too reliant on making things happen in the three-dimensional world. As my ego was trying to force my three-dimensional self into dieting and exercising, it was also causing a rebellion inside me because that’s what ego does! It’s so fractured into so many disparate parts, that every time it says it wants something, another part of itself rises up and says it doesn’t want it. So it causes confusion, fatigue and bad choices inside me! My egoic response to all this confusion is to eat donuts and Cinnamon Toast Crunch in large portions because they create a feeling of calm and SAFETY. HA! The Full Moon in Cancer came along just in time to help me understand that I have been letting my ego run my game for the last few months and the result is that I don’t feel safe. Of course I don’t feel safe! I have been letting a crazy, confusing tyrant make my day-to-day decisions for me and I have been giving ego all the authority.
The Full Moon in Cancer showed me my emotional needs and helped me see that because of ego’s tyrannical and fractured nature, my inner world is unstable, untrustworthy and unreliable. Of course I don’t feel safe.
The soulution here is for me to first of all, thank Mother Moon for shining her bright light on the landscape of my subconscious mind so that I could see my Shadow. Thank you, Beloved. Thank you, Goddess.
And then the next thing I gotta do is make a decision in myself to choose Truth and Divinity over ego. In every moment I need to open to my Higher Self and my Soul so that the Truth of who I AM has priority seating in my body, mind and energy field. How do I do that? How do I prioritize Spirit over ego in every single moment? Wow. I just took a card from Druidcraft Tarot and I pulled The Moon.
The message is clearly that I have to face my fears in every single moment and stay on the path of transformation. Ha! I love that the Jailbreak Your Heart & Howl at the Moon program works with the New & Full Moon to help us confront the Shadow of each zodiac sign. This is super helpful. But I think that Spirit is reminding me that in order to be the Badass Butterfly, I really have to stay connected to the Moon within. This is my Divine Feminine self, my intuition and my feeling nature. I have to be aware of the physical sensations in my body and the emotions (the energy in motion) that are activating them. My meditations need to be deeper and I need to tune into Spirit more often during the day. Just checking in and asking myself how I feel and what I need emotionally. I need to parent myself. When my ego rises up, I can’t just ignore it and be a spiritual bully. I need to listen, to be a good leader who listens to her ego’s needs, and who handles them according to her Soul’s guidance.
Alright! I hope this inspires you today. I hope you will tune into your needs and give yourself the space to KNOW what’s going on inside so that you can thrive your life. And I invite you to join me in Jailbreak Your Heart & Howl at the Moon for one year FREE if you sign up before January 20, 2020. After that, it’s $444 per month. What is Jailbreak Your Heart & Howl at the Moon? It’s a one year healing and coaching program that helps you transform your mindset from unworthy to Divine. We use the caterpillar and the Badass Butterfly as a metaphor to help us understand the transformation process. And we use the energy of astrology to help us maximize the effectiveness of our healing. Everything is clearly explained on the program page: www.JailbreakYourHeart.com. Hop over there and sign-up for free before January 20th.
You can also check out my calendar of events to see the dates of my livestreams and workshops.