Beloved Friends, this is a very special day because it is the five year anniversary of my mom’s transition. My grief for the past half decade has been strong as I processed the dark Shadows of resentment, rage, loneliness, and loss. Fear had been my constant companion since the day my mom took her last breath.
It has taken me this long to let go– not of my mom, but of the blame I placed on her. Today, I have decided that I am my own woman and that I no longer need a scapegoat. This is not forgiveness as to forgive would mean that there was some kind of wrong doing. There was no wrong doing because as a Divine being having a human experience, I am fully aware of my power from start to finish. And I am fully aware of how I have been served by the Universe and by my mother.
My mom served me well by playing the role she played and by accepting my role in the way she did. It was all perfect.
Am I totally healed?
Fuck it. Yes, I am. I am so fucking tired of being angry, embittered, lost, and broken. I am so sick of pointing fingers and trying to make another soul responsible for my feelings. FUCK IT. It does me no good. It does them no good.
I am done.
A few days ago, I asked my mother for a direct message. Used the Shadowscapes tarot deck and the card I pulled was Death. On the card, it shows a phoenix going down in flames (and at the same time rising from the ashes.) The message on the card is powerful and reads, “When the phoenix sees death beckoning, she lifts her voice in a tragic song of pain, of rending, of sorrow… that yet cannot mask the most intense joy, for she knows that as the flames lick at her heart, the heat is quickening the egg in which her successor sleeps. Her deathflame is its lifespark; one is linked inextricably to the other. And thus she was tied to her predecessor, and she hers, and she hers, to the beginning of time.”
In those words, I read that my mother appreciates that she lives on in me and that in her parting, she steps aside so that I can be strong in my own greatness WITHOUT HER SHADOW. I no longer need to carry the burden of her Shadow and thus I am freed of my own.
This is a glorious day, dear friends, because I am set free. I have walked the fiery ring of conscious awakening. My ego is burning up and I am letting it. No more control and no more regrets.
We shall see where the road leads me.