You are going to hear me express anger in a way that I have rarely done in an open missive like this. You see, I just came back from a four day intensive certifying me to treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from an emotional/spiritual approach. PTSD is a diagnosis for individuals who have suffered ungodly trauma from acts of extreme violence. Personally I feel like I have been suffering from PTSD from my own childhood which seemed ‘normal’ or even benign on the surface, but was actually filled with innumerable instances of disempowerment and subjugation. Over the recent years, as I delved deeper into my psyche, I found that my days were defined by managing the trauma that resulted from those first instances of worthless feelings.
What we tend to do in our society is invalidate our experiences because we compare ourselves to others suffering from war, oppression and starvation and we think that our own suffering from withheld affection, corporal punishment, isolation and broken promises is superficial. While I am in no way saying that my mom slapping the shit out of me is as unfortunate as a child dying from starvation, I am totally saying that my mom slapping the shit out of me made me, as an INNOCENT CHILD of age five (or age 4 or 3 or 2 or 1) feel utterly powerless, frightened, degraded, worthless, helpless, bullied and PISSED OFF. And I am totally saying that as an innocent child, I knew no other coping mechanism to deal with Mom’s punishments than to fracture, withdraw and deny my being. I have never heard a bomb drop. But I have sat waiting with wringing hands for the other shoe to drop. Knowing that when my mom came home at the end of her long work day, that I would be the target for her anger and her own self-loathing set me square on the path of a diagnosible anxiety disorder. While today I am blessed to be experiencing an abundance of the good life, my self-esteem, creativity and hope have been drastically altered by the severe emotional isolation I experienced as a child. And it’s only by doing Shadow Work and the Completion Process that I am able to step fully into my inheritance as a Divine Being of God/Goddess/Source of All.
Now, the last time I wrote about this subject, I had a lot of parents writing me with feelings of guilt and shame because they recognized their own childhood trauma and felt horrified that they might be afflicting damage on their own children. Or they are horrified that I might be standing in judgment of them because of their parenting styles. Please don’t miss the point of this writing. This is not about you parenting your children. Neither is this about your parents and their choices of behavior. This is about the wounded child that exists inside of you– not about the perpetrators of violence or the well-intended perpetrators of limiting beliefs. This is about the child inside of you that has been ignored but yet holds you back from thriving and experiencing this world as a powerful, unjaded, unguarded, conscious creator.
When I speak to my clients who come to me with their issues of low self-esteem, low self-worth, a lack of ambition, a lack of energy, a lackluster existence, a lack of thrive, of powerlessness; when they share with me their abundance of shame, guilt, resentment, sickness and dis-ease, I realize that the common thread for all of us is the experience of childhood trauma and its subsequent inefficient coping mechanisms that left us OVER protected by a limited, frightened, tyrannical ego and instilled in us a belief system that rendered us completely incapable of functioning fully in Thrive Mode as a teenager and adult.
In other words, when my clients (and I) were in our formative years, we had feelings, emotions and experiences that were real to us. They were REAL. To. US. And our reality was consistently and systematically INVALIDATED by our parents, our family, our teachers and all the authority figures in our lives. Our own personal authority was undermined day after day by a world that could not and would not see our unique expressions as worthwhile. This is how trauma is formed. When a child’s expression is carelessly thwarted, it is traumatizing to the child. Just because a child is powerful enough to quickly learn how to suppress their feelings; and just because they are strong enough to keep a nasty ass secret; and just because they are capable of surviving in spite of the trauma doesn’t mean that it is okay and acceptable to inflict these things on them. And it doesn’t mean that their functioning isn’t impaired. It is fully impaired. And just because you are able to survive in the world does not mean that you are able to thrive in this world.
You’ve heard it before. You’ve seen it before. You’ve lived it before.
Mom and Dad have to work. Bills have to be paid. Food has to be put on the table. You’re the big sister, so you have to sacrifice for the young ones (it doesn’t matter how you feel in this moment. Your feelings are not valid and have to be sacrificed for the greater good.) And sometimes a single mom is too overwhelmed to realize that the babysitter is fondling the baby. Live with it. Grow up. Get over it. You’re not living in a war-torn country. Be grateful that you have what you have.
This is exactly what I’m talking about. How are you supposed to be grateful for a father who never wanted to be in your life and who won’t even say hello to you today? How are you supposed to be grateful for getting punched in the mouth by a parent and then witnessing yourself crawling back to them to be hugged and kissed goodnight because you NEED affection? This degradation is enacted upon children at a time when they do not have the maturity to recognize that their parents are fucking assholes and deserve compassion from the GodSelf. AND NO! You do not get to defend the parents by stating that they were frightened and doing the best they could because they, too, were victims of violence. No. Somebody has to stand up for the wounded child that exists inside of us ALL. Somebody has got to advocate on their behalf.
Again, this is not about your mother or father. This is about YOU parenting YOURSELF.
As a coach, I learned early on that healing my inner wounding is essential to my healing. My recent certification as a Completion Process Practitioner has given me the chance to practice a process that is geared specifically for these traumas that keep our hearts malnourished and locked in a prison of judgment, doubt, worry, fear, resistance and control, while our minds stay stuck in a repetitive pattern of limited functioning.
I love you and our world, but we’re fucked-up and it doesn’t have to be this way. My work as a Completion Process Practitioner is about standing up for the wounded Inner Child that exists inside of us all.
While I was in the program this weekend, I was blessed with the opportunity to experience the Completion Process with its founder, Teal Swan as my guide. I have posted the video of my own process but you’ll probably need headphones to hear it. I shot it using my iPhone. I’m including it here because it demonstrates exactly how we are harboring wounds that keep us stuck in shame, guilt, failure, fear and unhealthy detachment. Closed-heartedness breeds insincerity and powerlessness.
The video is highly intimate. It is graphic. It is raw. It is me rescuing me. I’m sharing it with you because I know that inside each and every one of you is a wounded child that is affecting your ability to be present in a vital way. Until we redeem these children, there is no moving forward; there is no thrive. Courageously, I am sharing this video with you so that you know you can trust me. If you see me then you will know me. If you know me, you will trust me with your own fragile, lovable, adorable, worthy self. So watch the video and let me know what you think.
All of my soul and emotional healing work naturally includes the Completion Process, but I want to take time through the end of the year to empower as many people as I can through my work as a Completion Process Practitioner. I am calling this work Trauma Resolution. If you want to book yourself in for a session, then use this link:
Healing the wounded Inner Child is why I’m here. I’ve always known that I would work with children, but my foul mouth and love of the word ‘fuck’ was going to hinder me. Now, I see that I can have it all!