This morning I awoke at 2am because my fingers were getting stung by mosquitoes. I don’t mind awaking early because I know that Spirit has a special message for me that won’t come across in the light of day. But I do mind that Spirit sends these aggressive little assasins to wake me up with toothy kisses on my wrists and fingers and the sound of ear-bleed buzzing.
The thing I had to wonder was why Spirit awakened me with mossies? Mosquitoes are tiny little insects that can ruin a picnic beneath the shade of a tree and can take down a pack of caribou in the Arctic Circle. They are clearly common in summer when the weather is warm and humid, but being a woman who lives her life from the inside out, I have to wonder why my Soul called in these little dudes. Why mossies?
Animal Spirit Guides come in many different forms and having cool guides likes wolves and hawks feels so groovy… so shamanic. But what about when your Spirit Guide is an ant, a cockroach or a squirrel? What about a duck? What about a mosquito?
You can go online to find out what the symbolism is for any animal or insect, or you can figure it out yourself.
To me, it was really obvious that I was bugged by mosquitoes because I was being bugged by something inside me. I felt like I was being eaten alive last night– not just on my fingers, but my shoulders, my knees and my toes were all getting nailed.
As I sat with the discomfort, I noticed that I found myself on edge, vigilant and ready to take action against anything that came near me. If a mossie came a-buzzing near my ear, I flung around like a trapped warrior facing multiple foes. I was wound up tight and I couldn’t relax.
Why in the world was I so edgy? I looked down at Apollo who was fast asleep in spite of all the buzzing. He wasn’t freaking out. So why was I?
And then it started to dawn on me. Over the last two months, I’ve been doing a LOT of inner work and in the last three weeks, I have felt like my Soul is trapped in a cocoon and it is fighting to break free. As I sat with that idea, I realized that my Soul is really trying to break free from the shell of my old self but I keep trying to hold the status quo. I keep trying to do the same old things that I used to do and behave in the same old ways. There’s a battle going on inside me for freedom and the mossies came to highlight it.
Yesterday, when I was out walking Apollo, I noticed that he was particularly edgy with strangers. It was nothing dangerous, but he did a few things that were uncharacteristic– barking at people and telling them to stay away. I realized that he was mirroring my own defensive feelings. I have been very, very resistant to change and I want people who represent change to stay away.
On a conscious level, I had been praying desperately to birth a new me. I have laid the foundation for a new me but now that it is time to give birth to her, I am withdrawing, pulling away from the opportunity. And this is where I realized that the exact same thing happened when I was born into this three-dimensional world. My mother had labored with me for 13 hours and when I was not coming, they had to cesarian section me. Again, there was my moment to shine in birth and I couldn’t make it happen.
So here I am on the verge of 50 and the Universe is full of opportunity to thrive myself. I am in a new country doing new things and still trying to fit my old mentality into the new world.
So what am I going to do about it?
Change, dammit! I can’t stay in this cocoon. I have to go forth. I have to finish my book, run my blog, run my coaching certification program AND I have to nurture my friendships, learn to swim, train for races, strengthen my body, take care of myself, invest in myself, stay focused on my dream, honor my Beloved Spiritual Guidance Team, run my Italian business, hire my support staff, dive deep into relationships, be a part of the community… I can no longer hide behind my work!
I have to be part of the larger community. I can’t just stay online and work. I have to be a part of Italy both socially and professionally. This is what Spirit is telling me with the mosquitoes. They are a part of this Tuscan landscape. They are showing me where I am prickly, squeemish and irritated by small things. They have also shown me, though, how much power small things have to create change.
So as I go out today, I am opening my heart and mind to the opportunities to connect that are all around me. I will no longer hide behind my work. I will allow my whole self to breakout and break free from the prison of my comfort zone. I will keep you posted about all of it, Friend.
I wanted to share this story with you because I know that many of you are also feeling the pain of self-birth. I want to encourage you to take a risk on your Soul’s calling and to say, “Yes,” to it. Even if you don’t know what it looks like, just give yourself the gift of saying, “Yes,” and surrendering.
Yesterday, a beautiful woman was enrolling in my Spiritual Life Coach Certification for Badass Butterflies program and as she was making her payment, she said, “Crystal, I am scared.” My heart stopped in that moment because I saw her very clearly. I am not afraid of being a coach or anything that has to do with business. But I have fear of being social and deeply connected with people. And so she had my attention. I told her that I have her back in this program and that she is not alone. I let her know that she can withdraw if the program seems too much. And then I reminded her that she is a Badass Butterfly.
Even Badass Butterflies have down days! The key is to listen to the signs, keep our eyes on the prize and NEVER EVER give up.